Roll in the hay, romp, make whoopie.
Most everyone has a list of sex euphemisms tucked away in their back pocket, at the ready, for those times when it’s too embarrassing to utter that dreaded three-letter word. There are endless pop-culture references in movies and songs that get right up to that line of good taste without crossing over into crass territory. Whether it’s a solo expedition or a group thing, sexual activities are a part of almost all of our lives, yet there’s still a dearth of places one can go for healthy conversations about them. The internet is brimming with unrealistic depictions of sexual encounters that are far cries from educational material, and walking into an average sex shop can be confusing and intimidating, especially for those who’s favorite flavors are not always represented in film and TV. There is, luckily, one sexual oasis for all walks of life in the Duke City.
Tucked away in Nob Hill sits Self Serve, an all-inclusive sex store and education center where customers can find products and resources to scratch their itch. Owner Matie Fricker, along with employees and long-time community supporters, recently celebrated the store’s 17th anniversary, making it a year shy of being old enough to shop there. Fricker and a former business partner opened the store nearly two decades ago as a sexual resource hub. Fricker’s business model hasn’t changed much at all. People of all genders and sexualities can still find employees ready to talk through which toys are the best for the job and the safest ways to do said job.
“My two theme songs for our 17th birthday were ‘Dancing Queen’ [by ABBA], because she’s 17, and then the other one was, ‘I’m Still Standing,’ by Elton John, because that is also the vibe,” Fricker says.
In-store conversations are generally straightforward, to the point and mostly free of innuendo. But it’s hard for even the most mature brains to avoid reverting back to silly word play. Self Serve’s website, for example, is peppered with the phrase, “good vibes only,” and it’s hard to avoid talking about the “vibe” of the store with Fricker and store employees.
But Fricker says metaphors are helpful when talking about subjects that can be a little uncomfortable for some.
“Often when talking about erectile challenges, I use football analogies,” she says. “Like, you’ve got to practice the way you want to play, that sort of thing. It helps people understand, because most people don’t have a working awareness of their comfort and their desires, and then they walk into a place like this and their nervous systems are a little frazzled.”
She also makes a point to make sure employees feel safe when talking to customers who, thanks to the internet and what Fricker calls “sticky floor stores,” may not fully understand appropriate boundaries when discussing sex. But since Fricker also views shame as a major roadblock to living a sexually healthy life, she came up with a mnemonic device to help customers learn more appropriate ways to talk about sex without simultaneously running them off. REBA is an acronym for: Redirect, Educate, Boundaries and Ask to leave. Fricker says there’s rarely a situation where a customer is actually asked to leave, but admits “the world still has some creeps in it.”
Fricker says she came up with REBA—she hopes to come up with a Dolly Parton acronym one day—as a way to encourage positive and productive conversations with customers, while also giving staff the autonomy to speak up for themselves when things veer off into unhealthy territory. Most of the time, Fricker says, what seems like creep behavior is usually just ignorance.
“A lot of times when people come in, and they’re uncomfortable, or they’re nervous, or they’re scared, it can really appear they might be boundary pushers,” she says. “Really, they just need some education.”
That education is always important for folks at Self Serve, but especially in the next week or so as both regular and seasonal customers will soon start shuffling in, looking for that perfect Valentine’s Day toy or lingerie.
More than Consumerism
It’s pretty easy to dismiss Valentine’s Day as just another holiday aimed at encouraging people to buy more stuff. Fricker says the holiday can elicit complicated feelings for even employees, but that ultimately it’s a day when she and staff get to witness people doing nice things for people they love.
“We love it, because it is an excuse for people to show up and show people how they love them, and I wish there were more days like that,” she says.
But, she adds, the store also offers solace for folks who find themselves alone on Valentine’s Day.
“We also get people who come in and they go, ‘I’m single and I’m sad. This feels really complicated, and I just want to do something nice for myself,’” she says. “And we go, ‘That’s a great idea, we are so excited. We are here for you.’ The store’s name is Self Serve for a reason.”
One thing that sets Self Serve apart from other stores—besides the non-sticky floors—is that a version of every toy on its shelves has been tested and vetted, either by a volunteer or someone on staff. No, that doesn’t mean the actual products on display have been used. Store manager Stevie Wilke coordinates getting sample toys from manufacturers and then matches them up with folks who might be into it. If it doesn’t pass the test, for whatever reason, it doesn’t make it to the shelf.
Wilke says fully understanding products and how user-friendly they are helps guide conversations with customers about not only which item best fits their needs, but also what each person’s needs are.
A lot of people don’t expect to have that kind of conversation in a store like this,” Wilke says. “They expect someone to be like, ‘Oh, here’s our most expensive toy,’ and try to just upsell you and make you leave having spent a bunch of money, but we really do genuinely care about people here and just want what’s best for them.”
Sometimes those conversations with customers include steering them away from things such as numbing creams, which Fricker and Wilke both say present enough of a danger that Self Serve won’t carry them. Other times those conversations are more like a counseling session. Wilke says sometimes they’ll talk to customers about “not just how to practice safe sex, but also how to have conversations with your partner about not pressuring you into doing things you don’t want to do with your body until you’re ready.”
“After that point, what they want to do with it is up to them and no judgment, no shade,” Wilke says. “We’ll sell them that giant butt plug if they still want it, absolutely. But we’re going to make sure that they are seen and understood and given all the information they need to make that decision for themselves.”