“Capitani” (Netflix streaming) If you love Nordic Noir, why not expand your repertoire to Luxembourgian (Luxembourgish?) crime drama? In this one, a big city cop (Luc Schlitz) shows up in a rural village searching for a missing girl. … No, the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg is a real country. It’s landlocked between Germany, France and Belgium. It’s 998 square miles in size. And they have cop shows, evidently.
The Wrong Valentine (Lifetime Movie Network 6pm) Jeez, Lifetime, is there no holiday, career path or suburban location you can’t ruin by implying murderous behavior? Vivica A. Fox stars. And if you’re keeping count, this is the 17th “Wrong” movie she’s been in—a list that includes: The Wrong Roommate, The Wrong Step Father, The Wrong Cheerleading Coach, The Wrong Wedding Planner and The Wrong House Sitter.
“Clarice” (KRQE-13 9pm) Hollywood hands FBI profiler Clarice Starling (played here by Aussie Rebecca Breeds) her own spinoff series. This one takes place one year after the events of Silence of the Lambs. So far, Hannibal Lecter doesn’t appear in the show. But we’ll see how long that lasts if it sticks around for a second season.
The Map of Tiny, Perfect Things (Amazon streaming) In this sci-fi teen rom-com—the umpteenth reiteration of Groundhog Day—two young people find themselves reliving the same day over and over again.
If I Can’t Have You: The Jodi Arias Story (Discovery+ streaming) Discovery+ boldly steps into the future of entertainment broadcasting … by rehashing the salacious true crime story basic cable has been peddling since 2008.
Judas and the Black Messiah (HBO Max streaming) This historical biopic looks back at William O’Neal (Lakeith Stanfield), a petty criminal blackmailed by the FBI into infiltrating the Black Panther Party in the 1960s to bring down controversial leader Fred Hampton (Daniel Kaluuya).
“Hip Hop Uncovered” (FX 10pm) FX’s musical documentary series looks into the hidden “kingmakers” behind 40 years’ worth of rap/hip hop history.
Playing Cupid (Hallmark 7pm) Unlike crosstown rival Lifetime, Hallmark likes its holiday movies romantic, comedic and sappy as a Canadian maple forest. And if they can work in a hunky single dad getting set up on a date by his precocious pre-teen daughter, all the better.
Sincerely, Yours, Truly (UPtv 5pm) UPtv (formerly Gospel Music Channel) gets in on the Valentine’s Day train, which means romance—but extremely chaste romance. And no handsy stuff until after the wedding.
“Cherries Wild” (KRQE-DT2 6pm) Jason Biggs (The guy who humped the pie in American Pie) hosts this gameshow featuring a giant slot machine. Oh, TV. Will your genius never cease?
“Stanley Tucci: Searching For Italy” (CNN 7pm) Actor Stanley Tucci (Big Night) eats his way through his ancestral homeland.
Valentine’s Again (Hallmark 7pm) An uptight ad exec (Australian soap opera actress Nicky Whelan) endures the worst date of her life, only to wake up the next morning and find that … yup, she’s stuck in another Groundhog Day clone.
“The Luminaries” (Starz 7:30pm) Eleanor Catton’s Man Booker Prize-winning novel about a gold prospector who travels to New Zealand’s wild West Coast in 1866 and stumbles into an astrologically minded murder mystery gets the miniseries treatment.
“Grand Ole Opry: 95 Years of Country Music” (KOB-4 8pm) Brad Paisley and Blake Shelton host this (socially distanced) tribute to the legendary Nashville landmark.
“The Crew” (Netflix streaming) Kevin James (“King of Queens,” “Kevin Can Wait,” Paul Blart: Mall Cop) stars in this sitcom about an old-fashioned NASCAR crew chief who butts heads with a new boss and his “tech-savvy millenial” staff. Back in the day, you’d have to tune in to CBS for TV this cutting-edge.
“Bad Habits, Holy Orders” (Hulu streaming) Five party girls abandon booze, boys and smartphones to spend four weeks in a convent in Norfolk, England, in the streaming world’s latest, highly contrived “reality” show.
Animals On the Loose: A You vs. Wild Movie (Netflix streaming) You and Bear Grylls pursue and capture escaped zoo animals in this “one-off interactive special.”
“Young Rock” (KOB-4 7pm) As Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson runs for president of the United States in 2032 (that’s the premise he came up with), the wrestlin’ thespian looks back at his awkward teenage days in this “semi” autobiographical sitcom.
“Kenan” (KOB-4 7:31pm) Following the death of his wife, an Atlanta morning show host (Kenan Thompson) tries to raise his two young daughters with the help of his father-in-law (Don Johnson). It’s a downer of a set-up, but who doesn’t love the comic genius of Don Johnson?
“Behind Her Eyes” (Netflix streaming) Sarah Pinborough’s psycho-thriller novel gets a six-part adaptation. British actress Simona Brown stars as a woman who (unwisely) begins an affair with her psychiatrist boss and then (even more unwisely) starts a secret friendship with his mysterious wife. This will end badly (and with a shocking twist).