‘When Sex Hurts, What Can I Do?’

Question:  I started a new relationship recently and since we started getting intimate I’ve had a lot of trouble with painful penetration. My last partner was also a woman and we didn’t have much penetrative sex. It’s something that I want, and am excited for, but it still is painful and sometimes a complete mood killer. I’ve asked my gynecologist if something’s wrong and was told that I didn’t seem to have any injuries and maybe just need help relaxing. But now I have anxiety about penetration because I’m worried it will always just be painful and there’s nothing to be done. Any suggestions on how to make this less of a tense situation? -Anonymous

Answer: I’m glad that you reached out for help and talked to your gynecologist. You’ve already taken an important step in the process by listening to your body. Sex should never hurt. It’s great that you want to try penetration, not only because it can be pleasurable but also because it can increase vaginal health and prevent the muscles from atrophying. 

A lot of people will experience pelvic floor pain and/or dysfunction at some point in their lifetime, your situation is a fairly common one. There are a lot of different tools to help you on your journey to enjoying penetration. Our first recommendation would be to get a glycerin-free lube that you like. Some of our most popular lubes are Sutil (water-based), Uberlube (silicone-based), and Foria (oil-based +cbd).

Expecting your body to be ready for sex because you are emotionally ready is like expecting your body to be ready to run a marathon because you’ve thought about it a lot. Getting your body ready for pleasurable penetration often requires the right tools for the job and some ‘practice’ before the big day. Next, a dilator set or a small toy can be very helpful to start out. We have some dilator sets that can be fun and affordable. They come in a variety of sizes to help you slowly get comfortable. 

If you’re feeling anxiety about penetration, it’s important to take the time your body needs to feel relaxed and ready. Try ‘warming up’ with just external stimulation, take your time and when you feel ready, start small with any penetration.  Take the time your body needs to get to where your excitement level is, and your body will thank you!

If you continue to experience chronic pelvic floor pain there are pelvic floor physical therapists who treat pelvic floor pain and dysfunction. You know your body best and if you think a specialist is the best next move, then reach out to your gynecologist to see if they can recommend one for you. If you are local to Albuquerque and would like a place to get resources we have contact info for local pelvic floor physical therapists you can reach out to. Our relationship with sex and our bodies is always changing — and Self Serve is always here to help you figure out how to support your journey along the way!

For further information check out the book When Sex Hurts by Andrew Goldstein MD, Caroline Pukall PhD, Irwin Goldstein MD

Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider for any medical condition.