What can I do to get comfy talking about sex so that I’m ready to have “the talk” with my step kids?

Question: “My wife and I both grew up with little to no education around sex and apart from making jokes I’ve never been comfortable talking seriously about sex (even with her) and always end up turning it into a joke to try and hide my discomfort and awkwardness. A year ago when my wife and I got married I adopted her two amazing toddlers and my life has changed a lot and I think one thing I need to change is my inability to have frank conversations about sex. I don’t think that my lack of sex talks or sex education did me any favors in life and I don’t want to put my kids in that situation just because that’s all my wife and I know. What can I do now or start doing to get more comfortable talking about sex and more informed about sexual health so that I’m ready in a couple years to have “the talk” with my step kids? – Nervous New Dad”

Answer: Hey Nervous, I’m Stevie! Dad jokes aside, I’m a sex educator at Self Serve Toys and even I have felt awkward and nervous in situations where I felt unprepared to have conversations about sex. That’s what led me to seek out information and eventually find my passion for sex education. Unfortunately a lot of us enter into adulthood with that same anxious uncertainty around sex that was passed on by our parents or guardians, I’m proud of you for wanting to break that cycle! 

My first tip is to just start talking about sex, little by little, if you start working those muscles out it will get easier and easier the more you do it. A couple tools that make it easy to start doing this are conversation decks that offer insightful questions to start a conversation with yourself or with a partner or friend. We carry a couple different decks and a few examples from them are: “What kinds of flirting do you find irresistible?“, “Have you ever wanted to be bossy or bossed around in the bedroom?“, and “What was your first orgasm like?“. These are a great way to start using those muscles to talk about sex more comfortably and less awkwardly.

Next you need to start educating yourself on medically accurate sexual health information; and I know that in this modern day and age the easiest way to find something out is to do an internet search but this topic is notoriously ill represented and widely conflicting online. At Self Serve we carry a variety of book titles for a range of ages that are really inclusive, accessible, affirming, accurate and even entertaining. Books like Yes! No! A First Conversation Around Consent, and It’s NOT the Stork can be educational for both you and your toddlers. S.E.X. is an extremely in-depth, all-you-need-to know guide for teens and adults about sexuality, relationships, and health. I recommend that one for you and your wife to read and you can highlight or mark the chapters or pages you want to share with your kids once you feel they are ready. And when words fail, and conversations don’t go as well as rehearsed, that doesn’t mean that talking is the only way, books can be just the right thing when a young person wants to do some learning on their own, without the awkwardness of talking-to their parent about it.

You’ve already got the most important thing – an open, grounded approach and a curiosity about the things you don’t know. You’ve got this!